How To Write A Check To Your Children

• A checkbook from the bank account you've set aside for your child-incentivizing fund
• A decent pen (preferably blue or black ink, nothing fancy like glitter or scented ink)
• Reading glasses (we know you need them)
• A calculator (your phone has one, but we know you prefer the real thing)

• 1

  Date (top right)

  Write today's date. Not yesterday's. Not tomorrow's. Today's.

• 2

  Payee ("Pay to the order of")

  Write your child's full legal name, not their childhood nickname "Booger" or "Princess."

• 3

  Amount (in numbers)

  Write "$19,000.00" clearly. Not "$19K" or "a lot of money."

• 4

  Amount (in words)

  Write "Nineteen thousand dollars and 00/100" - this is legally binding, so no emoji or shorthand.

• 5

  Memo

  Write "For Grandchildren Production" or "Future Family Support" - avoid phrases like "Baby Bribe" or "Grandchild Ransom."

• 6

  Signature

  Sign with your legal signature. Electronic signatures, paw prints, or "X" marks are not accepted.

• A

  In Person (Recommended)

  Hand the check directly to your child while saying "So... any plans for starting a family?" Make uncomfortable eye contact for at least 5 seconds.

• B

  Holiday Card

  Include the check in a holiday card along with photos of yourself looking sad and alone, surrounded by empty picture frames.

• C

  Mail

  Send via certified mail with delivery confirmation, then call every hour asking if they've received it yet.

For maximum effectiveness, implement one or more of these proven follow-up strategies:

• Call them daily to ask if they've deposited the check, and if they've started trying for a baby yet.
• Send articles about declining fertility rates with highlighted passages.
• Forward real estate listings for houses with multiple bedrooms "just in case."
• Tag them in Facebook posts featuring cute babies with captions like "Hint hint!"